Pregnancy Quickies

What is the most common pregnancy craving? For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

When is the best time to get an epidural? Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Does labor cause hemorrhoids? Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.

When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? When the kids are in college.

How long is the average woman in labor? Whatever she says, divided by two.

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold? Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy? Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder.

What do you call a pregnancy that begins while using birth control? A misconception.

Pregnancy Dictionary

afterbirth--when the hard part begins.

cravings--an excuse to gluttonize your way through pregnancy.

dilation--one of those things a pregnant woman has to take her doctor's word for.

elastiphobia--fear of making it into the Book of World Records for "Most Stretch Marks."

first trimester--the first three months of pregnancy when you wonder, "Is it too late to hire a surrogate mother?"

maternity clothes--what a pregnant woman wears to show people there's a reason she's fat.

miracle--1 the birth of a baby. 2 The fact that you lived to tell about it.

obstetrician--the doctor who tells you you're doing fine when you think you're caught in the jaws of death.

pregnant pause--the amount of time it takes for a nine-month pregnant woman to get out of a chair.

prenatal--when your life was still your own.

pushing--the final effort to get a ten-pound baby through an opening the size of a dime.

second trimester--the time when you ask the question, "Will my husband notice if I eat this gallon of ice cream and side of beef before he gets home?"

third trimester--the final months of pregnancy when you wonder, "How much longer can I keep from waddling?"

If Men Got Pregnant

Maternity leave would last two years....with full pay.

There would be a cure for stretch marks.

Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.

All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.

Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.

Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

They wouldn't think twins were so cute.

They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.

Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree's.

Women would rule the world.

Fatal Things to Say to Your Pregnant Wife

"Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."

"Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!"

"I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"

"Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl."

"Darn if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from Richard Simmons."

"Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."

"I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"

"Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"

"Get your *own* ice cream, Buddha!"

"Got milk?"

"Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."

"Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"

"Retaining water, huh?"

"You don't have the guts to pull the trigger, Bessie."

		From Today's Cartoon by Randy Glasbergen, used here with special permission. For more baby cartoons, look for Randy's book "Oh Baby!"